Emotional Intelligence starts with empathy. Empathy is encoded in our nature. Even toddlers a couple of months old will start crying if they see another baby cry. They will feel distressed when they see distress in others. A one- or two-year-old will bring their soft toys to a crying friend to console them. Small babies sometimes even imitate the distress they see in their mothers, possibly to understand what their mothers feel.

What starts as not recognizing that others’ distress is not our own eventually morphs into trying to understand what others feel. To feel with another person is to show you care.

In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman notes that we have emotions for a reason. They are essentially impulses to act to deal with various life circumstances. They are an unconscious way our brain gets us moving. Each emotion not only feels different but also prepares our bodies for different types of action.

Anger gets the blood flowing to our hands, making it easier to hit our opponent; heart rate increases for faster reactions and more oxygen into the muscles; and adrenaline flows to get us through pain and rush action.

Fear triggers a surge of blood to the large skeletal muscles, like the legs, so we are ready to flee. The body freezes for a moment to evaluate the best course of action, and the brain gets more alert. Surprise is often accompanied by a raised eyebrow, which exposes the retina to more light for better visibility of the unexpected event.

Salovey’s Four Domains of Emotional Intelligence

Since we have emotions, it makes sense that we use them to our advantage and achieve success. But how can you do that?

Peter Salovey and John Mayer suggested four domains of emotional intelligence.

• Perceive – Recognizing emotions in ourselves and others and reading verbal and non-verbal signs.
• Understand – Knowing one’s emotions, recognizing the feelings as they happen, and understanding the variety of meanings attached to them.
• Use – Using emotions, motivating oneself, and marshaling emotions in the service of something greater.
• Manage – Regulating emotions so they are handled appropriately to the situation, such as delaying gratification and dealing with impulsiveness.

Hatch and Gardner’s Four Components of Interpersonal Intelligence

But this is not the only approach how to look at emotional intelligence. Goleman points to research by Thomas Hatch and Howard Gardner, who suggested four components of interpersonal intelligence: Organizing groups, Negotiating solutions, Personal connection, and Social analysis.

Goleman’s Three Styles of Dealing with Emotions

Daniel Goleman ultimately lists three distinct styles of dealing with emotions.

• Self-aware – people who are aware of their emotions as they have them. Their mindfulness helps them to manage their emotions. They know their boundaries, have a positive outlook on life, and are in good psychological health. When in a bad mood, they don’t ruminate and get back to the positive quickly.
• Engulfed – these people are easily overwhelmed by emotions and can’t escape them. They are often not aware of their feelings, so they get lost in them. They feel they lack control over their emotions.
• Accepting – these people are clear about their feelings but don’t know how to manage them. That is fine if they are mostly positive. Still, if they frequently experience negative feelings, they are likely to fall into depression. They are resigned to their despair, not even trying to escape.

Emotions in Men and Women

To make it more complicated, there is a difference between how women and men react to emotions. In general, men are more likely to be flooded and overwhelmed by their partner’s negative emotions, which affects their reactions. Once you get flooded, you can’t hear without distorting what you hear, and you can’t respond with reason. Once flooded, an increasing amount of adrenaline gets released into the bloodstream, and the heart rate increases.

Research suggests that many men use stonewalling to protect themselves from flooding and emotional overwhelm. Unfortunately, stonewalling and ignoring their partner usually lead to increasing emotional appeal by their spouse. The more women try to engage in the emotionally charged conversation and bring it to some resolution, the more the men feel they need to protect themselves, and the more they stonewall or try to escape the conversation.

So What Can You Do?

Emotional intelligence is a rather complex topic that, when mastered, can help you achieve success in life. Unlike regular intelligence, emotional intelligence can be learned. It is not something you are born with. In fact, it is culture specific.

Learn to recognize your emotions and practice self-management. By understanding your own feelings and emotions, you can use them to your advantage. By learning how to manage your emotions, you can work more easily with others and achieve your goals.

When interacting with others, observe them closely to learn how to read their verbal and non-verbal cues. By reading others’ emotions, you can employ strategies that work best for smooth, satisfactory interaction.

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What are your thoughts on the topic? Do you believe you are emotionally intelligent? How do you know it? Does emotional intelligence helps being successful?

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