Are You Becoming A Workplace And Social Media Bully?

One infamous dictator, reportedly said, “If only one man dies of hunger, that is a tragedy. If millions die, that’s only statistics.”

We may hear about thousands of people fleeing war zones or dying from hunger, and we don’t feel much. But our hearts break when we see a single child crying because their mother just died in a car accident. We would do anything to help. This is an abstraction at work.

Abstraction can lead to some unquestionably evil behavior. Abstraction also plays a role in social media, especially if we can hide our true identity. There is no accountability. No one can hold us accountable for our words as we post them anonymously. And so people behave in ways they would never behave in the real world. They are rude. They bully others. They spew hate. The Internet’s anonymity and abstraction make people act without fear of consequences. It leads us to moral grandstanding, shaming others, and over-punishing the perceived perpetrators. It makes us less human.

In Just Work, Kim Scott suggests that the easiest way to potential bullying goes through anger and being in the in-group. Anger causes emotions to win over you, and you feel empowered by being in the in-group, so you lash out at those in the out-group. What better way to show your moral superiority than by moral grandstanding, shaming, and punishing as a part of an angry mob?

Moral grandstanding

One of the ways that it feels like you are standing up for a victim, yet you are making it all about yourself, is moral grandstanding. It never fixes the real problem. All you do is show off how great and moral you are while dismissing the actual problem and not looking for a solution. In fact, when you go through social media sites, you will be flooded by tons of content like that.

“Moral grandstanding is just to show your superior morality, but it doesn’t really help anyone.”

Someone shares an incident from their workplace asking for help. An army of leadership gurus jumps in and offers pieces of wisdom about the difference between a leader and a boss or quotes like “Managers do things right, while leaders do the right things.” Very profound. They get tons of likes, while the original cry for help gets ignored.

Shaming rarely helps to fix anything

There is only one thing worse than giving useless advice, and that is lynching the perceived wrongdoer by public shaming. Shaming is something that thrives in the online world. It is just so easy to hide behind the veil of anonymity and join a mob of others who self-righteously shame someone who made a mistake. A simple tweet or a social media post can quickly turn into being lynched by the angry mob and may even lead to you being fired by a boss who justifies it with a zero-tolerance policy.

There is a psychological and even chemical reasons for this behavior. Kahneman suggests that altruistic punishment, when we join others to punish unfair behavior, leads to increased activity in the brain’s pleasure center and leads to maintaining social order. We are much more likely to punish meanness than reward generosity.

Unfortunately, this leads to an environment where people can’t learn from their mistakes and adjust their behavior. It leads to a culture of fear and resentment. In the modern world, you are not getting a second chance.

Don’t fight bias by shaming but by educating

There is a difference between being shamed and feeling shame. You may feel shame when you are held accountable for something you have done. But that doesn’t mean you are being shamed. The person giving you the feedback is most likely trying to help, not hurt.

Shaming someone has only one goal, to hurt them. Fighting prejudiced behavior by shaming the person is self-righteous and ineffective. In fact, it is bullying in itself. When you shame someone, you don’t give them any other option than to defend themselves. It rarely leads to a change in their beliefs or behaviors and may even reinforce them.

Instead of joining the shaming mob, you should have difficult conversations with shamers to educate them and explain how their behavior is not helpful. At the same time, you need to address the behavior that triggered the mob. Ensure the original offender, turned victim, learns from the experience and doesn’t repeat the same mistake. Public shaming is not going to do that. The original offender will feel like a victim, become bitter, and potentially even more set in their original views.

Don’t over-punish bias

While you should do your best to eliminate bias, you shouldn’t over-punish it. Bias is, by its definition, unconscious. You need to create an environment where it is safe to admit bias so it can be addressed.

The game changes when bias turns into prejudice or even bullying. There need to be consequences. It may even come to firing the bully. When you go in that direction, make sure you give the person a fair chance to improve and change their ways. But don’t give them unlimited chances. You need to fix the problem fast. Don’t make the firing decision on your own to ensure you are not basing it on your biases. When the time comes, be professional and respectful. Regardless of the infringement, everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You don’t want to get to the same level as the bully. You want to be respectful even if they are not.

What to do?

Be open-minded, respectful, and firm. When you have a healthy attitude to power and can build strong relationships with those above you, you are also more likely to provide feedback and hold them accountable. You can challenge their behavior effectively without worry of reprisal.

You being able to give feedback to those in power can even be appreciated by them. More importantly, you build a real influence so you can help build a fair working and online environment.

Photo: Pixabay.com

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