You may have heard a great Queen song where they sing, “I want it all, and I want it now.” It could be an anthem of the 21st century. We have unlimited options. At least some of us. And we want to have it all. We want to experience it all.

We see all our “friends” on social media posting about all the great things they have done, the fancy meals they’ve tasted, the events they’ve joined, and the news they’ve heard. We don’t want to miss out on anything. We want all the options so we can do everything. And we forget that the day has only 24 hours, and our lives are finite. We can’t have it all.

We have become obsessed with productivity. To be able to have it all, we need to be efficient. So our phones are full of productivity apps, we listen to videos from productivity gurus, and we are squeezing something into every minute of our lives. And we are stressed. By trying so hard not to miss out, we often miss out on what truly matters.

There is a simple solution to busy and stressed lives. Accept that you can’t have it all, focus on what truly matters, commit, and learn to enjoy that you are missing out on all the other options you leave behind.

Moderation And Why You Can’t Have It All

If you have a hard time accepting moderation and the “you can’t have it all” argument, consider whether that type of life is truly sustainable. For you and for the planet. If all the eight billion people had the mentality “I want it all,” what would happen to the planet? What would happen to society? In The Joy of Missing Out, Svend Brinkmann points to five arguments why moderation and getting comfortable with missing out are the future.

First, there is the political argument that our planet simply has limited resources, and without restraint, it can’t support us all. It is a zero-sum game. If you want to have it all, someone else needs to suffer. Only by exhibiting restraint and moderation can we have enough resources for everyone to thrive.

Second, it is the ethical argument that for society to function, we need to care about others and be willing to miss out on some things to be there for others.

Then it is the existential argument that to live a good life. We need to find purpose. And purpose requires focus and commitment. We need to abandon the pursuit of more and focus instead on mastering the few things that will help us flourish.

Then it is the psychological argument where the pursuit of more leads us to be drained and stressed. The never-ending pursuit of more is literally killing us.

And the final reason for moderation is simple aesthetics. Simplicity and moderation have a certain beauty.

Social and economic inequality leads to more crime, more diseases, and more friction in society. Equality leads to sustainability and better lives for everyone. I’m not advocating socialism, but excessive wealth and excessive poverty are not good for anyone, not even for the ultra-wealthy.

One has to ask whether capitalism, as it runs today, really works or would benefit from an overhaul. Historically, it was driven by a free economy, where prices are determined by supply and demand and where limited resources clearly set the value of goods.

However, as technology advances and the economy becomes more digital and service-oriented, this concept breaks down. Not to mention the sharing economy, where products are created by communities and often have superior quality. The free internet encyclopedia – Wikipedia comes to mind.

Technology also speeds up our lives and creates a vicious spiral. Technology speeds up our lives so we can do more things that need more technology to help us, and so forth. We are then obsessed with more. That is how we measure success. You have more things, more experiences, more money, and more promotions than someone else. Therefore, you are more successful. You also have more worries, more stress, and more dissatisfaction with life.

Even with all the drawbacks, it is difficult to argue against the pursuit of more, as it has led to advances in technology and science, prolonging our lives and making them easier. It leads to progress. If society is satisfied with what it has, there will be no need for progress. There would be even less need for goods and consumption; the economy would halt, and the whole system would collapse. In a capitalist society, ever-increasing consumption keeps the wheels turning. If you are trying to be moderate, you are hurting the system. Or so the argument goes.

Moderation And Privilege

I understand that it may seem rather hypocritical to preach moderation and a simple life while enjoying a privileged life with a good education, a good job, and living in Western society. Some may see my thoughts as rather elitist. In fact, there is even a term for that.

The elitist trap is a situation in which the wealthy or privileged argue for the need for cost-cutting, savings, environmentalism, a healthy diet, or other inventions of the modern world. You may hear “the experts” tell you to go buy only organic food, go to the gym every day, and drive only electric vehicles to save our planet. They often forget that to do all these things requires financial resources not available to everyone. Organic food is more expensive than processed food, gym memberships are expensive, and the same applies to electric vehicles. You don’t really think about stuff like this if you are barely surviving.

On one of my trips to Africa, I traveled with a group of European tourists who kept expressing outrage whenever they saw locals cutting down beautiful old trees. It was often a sad sight, I must admit. Why destroy such beautiful nature? And yet, things came into clear perspective when we met a local guide who had heard it all and knew what to say. When the group again noted how stupid it is for the locals to destroy their environment, the guide commented back, “What gives you the moral right to judge how we live? You already destroyed the nature in your country, hunted all the animals to the brink of extinction, and now you fly here wasting tons of natural resources on your way to tell us how we should live our lives.”

It is too easy to fall into the elitist trap and stand on the moral high ground when you already done so much damage in the process of getting where you are. And I don’t mean you specifically, but the society in which we live.

So what gives me the moral right to promote moderation? Well, it is a concept as old as humanity itself. All religions and ancient philosophies promote moderation as a way of life. It is not something that would come from the elites. It is common sense, and in fact, for humanity to survive, it is a necessity.

Moderation will look different for one who is ultra-wealthy and one who is at the edge of extreme poverty. If you struggle to get enough to survive, moderation is already built into your life. I’m not asking you to live an even simpler life than you already do. But if you live a life of abundance, you need to seriously ask whether enough is enough and whether a bit of moderation in everything you do wouldn’t lead to a more satisfying and sustainable life.

Moderation And Freedom

For thousands of years, humans realized their potential by being part of their tribe and contributing to its well-being. That was the goal of life. With the Industrial Revolution, this changed. The goal shifted towards more individual achievements. Life has become about accumulating wealth and then using that wealth for consumption. Modern consumer capitalism was born, and we stopped caring about the bigger good and started focusing on ourselves, our wealth, our fame, and our self-realization.

Oscar Wilde famously said, “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.”

We may think that delaying gratification may not be the best strategy in the world of survival of the fittest. If you meet a bunch of friends and have a chocolate bar or a bottle of wine, you may want to share it with them. And share with them equally. It may not pay off immediately. It may not pay off ever. But it also may.

Reciprocity is ultimately important for social cohesion. You would definitely want your children to share. It is the right thing to do. Asking yourself, “What’s in it for me?” all the time is called opportunism, and it is rarely a good long-term strategy. You may get wealthy, but you will be left alone against the world.

Donald Trump is a great example of what the consumer society did to us. In the 2016 US presidential elections, he claimed he didn’t believe in defeat and that he might not accept the results of the democratic election if his opponent, Hillary Clinton, won. Ultimately, she didn’t. But this played out differently in the 2020 elections. Trump is someone who doesn’t believe in defeat and who wants it all. He is a product of a society that wants more and more of everything.

And not only is that attitude unsustainable when it comes to natural resources, but it is also dangerous for democracy. If no one ever accepted defeat in democratic elections, democracy wouldn’t work. We would be in constant civil war until a point when a dictator rises and makes it crystal clear who the winners are and who the losers are. Losers are the ones dead, in prison, or quietly serving as ordered without their own independent thought.

The implications of wanting more and more are clearly visible in the way we see freedom. A free society would historically be one in which people have freedom of choice and can work together without undue pressure or direction from a sovereign or a dictator. However, for many people, freedom became not about their place in society but simply about themselves. They don’t care about others at all. They want their unlimited ability to choose, and how their choices impact others is irrelevant.

The moment you start caring about others, you introduce restrictions to what you can choose and what you can do yourself. And so our Western democracy is slowly turning from social democracy to individual dictatorships. Each of us is our own dictator, and we would fight for our right to choose regardless of the consequences for others. And so people fight against vaccinations and other measures promoted by democratic governments that advance the common good. We don’t care about the common good anymore. We care only about ourselves. About getting our due and about getting it now.

You need some hardship to enjoy comfort, and you also need some constraints to enjoy freedom. Without any limits, without any rules, freedom turns into anarchy, and you won’t really enjoy it. It won’t feel like freedom. It will be paralyzing. It will make you feel anxious. It may even become terrifying.

Striving For More And Settling For Less

Striving for more is so ingrained in our society that we sometimes forget the power of settling. You don’t need to win first place. You can settle for participation. You don’t need to get all you deserve. You can settle for less. In The Joy of Missing Out, Svend Brinkmann illustrates this in one of the most obvious examples from history.

After the First World War, the victors didn’t settle. Instead, they demanded massive reparations from Germany, which eventually led to a society that couldn’t take it anymore, and the Second World War ignited. Compare what happened after Germany’s second defeat with the massive investment in rebuilding by the victors. They settled for less than they could get as the victorious side. And it brought unparalleled decades of peace to Europe.

There is a difference between capitalism as it was originally thought up and modern consumer capitalism. The original was all about an efficient way to balance supply and demand, where one side has a need and the other has the means to satisfy it.

Today’s version of consumer capitalism is not about satisfying existing needs but about creating needs and desires that weren’t there before. We are not buying things because we need them. We buy things because someone shows us their new product or service and convinces us that, even though we didn’t need it yesterday, we need it today. That’s why we call it consumerism. It is not about surviving and living a good life. It is about consuming more and more.

Putting It All Together

Opportunism and consumerism are not sustainable. It led to some progress, but it won’t last in the long term. We need to look back to what civilization was built on: courage, ethics, morals, values, and virtues. We must teach our children that life is not about hoarding stuff and trying to be the best.

Life is about sharing, being useful to society, doing what’s right, and acting courageously and according to basic virtues.

Moderation, willingness to miss out on things, and the courage to commit to a path are the ways to build a sustainable society.

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